having had an enjoyable evening last night with Dad, I have now just returned from having a facial at the Daya Spa! Can't believe how much my face glows with a little extra bloodflow and attention.

One thing I noticed was my need to calm my mind, my analyses....then I saw that my right hand was so tired and sore when she rubbed it....my left side when touched brought up sadness

from all the changes - from justin leaving.

Although I am happy with Pat, I need to be cautious in what is coming up about moving in.. need to remember to be true to him by being true to me, and staying in tune with my higher flow :)

Dad's visiting from England, and having recently begun a new relationship with Patrick I am aware of my 'issues' in a more succinct, fixable(?) way....

-I have trouble trusting other people enough to allow them control

-I assume people don't really care about me in a natural, complete way and that they are consequently 'selfish'

- I don't believe in my own abilities and allow my self-consciousness/fear to control my levels of effort and immersion into something - i stay removed and uninterested most of the time, when it's much more fun to try hard :)

- i have built in, hardwired, shame about leaving my father and being a 'wrong' person/disowned by god, always having to worry about being alone and having people like me because I am unlovable/unknowable?? something

So, when dad arrived on the plane I made a point of bringing the issue of my guilt and asking god to help me deal with it this holiday. I do not want to have this hanging over my head my whole life. i do not want to have this illusion control me. I made choices as a 13 year old girl to stay with my mother...probably with good reason. what reasons? not sure. needs investigating.

bottom line now is that he's here and it's hard - he's critical and negative and controlling. ugh. but that's just me now, scared of him for the first few days - trying to impress him and hide. it's got to come out soon....

So scared I'm going to snap at him - so many little things left unsaid...ugh.

inner wisdom

Busting at the seams to get out of this but not sure why
Need to get some of me
hiding

why?

need my privacy, need some space. need to do my own thing

i just need to say what is actually in my head - get it out, look at it and question it perhaps

Basically, it comes down to nobody gives a shit. And, since I am the only one, I need to be alone to feel it.

nearly killed a child

found a dead raccoon in the pond

am failing at getting a new job because I have spent no time working on it. Don't know how to get time away. I think I just figured it out.

he just always does exactly what he wants and I fucking bend over backwards trying to make everyone happy

Do I actually want to do my resume tonight? no. Do I want to try to get a new job? Fuck. What the hell do I actually want? I keep thinking he doesn't care and no surprise, he does. and I'm a fuckwad

he is just so into what he is doing all the time that i can't seem to carve out five minutes to do what I want

it's driving me nuts

but that's also the reason i like him - he's passionate and into things so much

but like, waking me up everynight to mess around leaves me tired. I've gone out of my way to get the point across that i want to do my own thing right now and he's bugging me

"i won't bug you" - his response to "I just think i need to be on my own for a bit"

I feel like shit - i'm sick and there's something keeping me down

He loves me he's all over me I keep thinking "I should be happy"

but i'm not

but is it because this is not what I need right now?

michael wrote me

and i feel better already

accepted - not alone

and i don't with patty

question is why? or how can i?

so worried about having him approve of me, want me, enjoy me. how much am i asking of him?

fucking brain shit

i used to hide under nice girl sweet girl prove it to you

piles of shit

(books about meditation, pretty coloured arts and craft drawers, excercise equipment, seventeen types of herbal tea. all of these things 'meant' something about me.

I could proove it. I had the STUFF.)

(I used to hide under confused and needs your approval to function girl

i sued to hide under piles of shit)

i used to hide under ghosts of the past, never-ending longings, holes in my soul piles of shit

I used to hide under piles of procrastinated decisions, things i couldn't let go of, fears that whored me out to any guy that would be nice to me for five fucking minutes

I used to.

And now i look at those piles of books filled with other people's ideas, other peopl's visions of my salvations - heck, even my own misguided quest for perfection - or, some sense of normalcy, i can't be sure which, - and i know that these are not answers, there is no hope in hiding.

these are just piles of shit

i just came home, pulled off my wet clothes and stood naked looking at my sagging bum

then thought to myself - what do i want to do tonight, with my 4 hours remaining of the day - what awesoem life changing creative thing can i do that will make my life meaningful

then i read and email about aloneness which went along with something i was already feeling and then against all my better judgement i went on fb to see who was online

because i can't be alone

do you like me?

do you like me?

do you like me?

do you like me?

if you like me you'll write to me - who will it be?

how can i prove myself tonight? if i sort out the spare room, does it show i'm on my way to being an - hold it - ARTISTE? If i take pictures of myself naked in compromising poses does it show daring or wit? what do i have to do to get your attention?

So, i've been home for an hour now waiting

for attention

for something to shift

and i will probably make my statement on how much i love life and feel my personal FUCKIGN JOILIKJLOJFHALIURBOIURpurpose by watching gossip girl all night tonight while eating junk and feeling fucking sorry for myself!

and then i go and do more stupid shit

i asked myself earlier do what you want - follow your bliss, so to speak....i have no idea

i have no overwhelming mission in my life. i am not an artist. I have no particular skill

I am shy, overwhelmed, confused and generally self-obsessed.

bah

oh yeah, and the other thing

People. Why do i talk to them? Why do i go on facebook? Would it be better for me and my mind and my social life if i went off facebook? maybe...

but i guess I am just thinking that a lot of the time i try to contact people because i'm anxious to be alone and face my shit. which is lame and uncreative and unoriginal., never mind selfish.

i want to start really loving people. I think that would be better.

came home acme home

Hi there

So I came home and was a bag of nerves. I called karen back and talked about offing myself, as a joke but it was how low i was feeling too. I ran a bath and sat in it on the phone, and started to talk of how this place holds so much oppression in my mind, for me. tense. overbearing. but when i talked about what i wanted - a safehaven for myself to thrive and discover myself, follow my joy, i got into the moment and was enjoying myself more...

i realised how stressed i was and how much i was keeping a striving, achievement-mind. I tried to relax and got angry at myself because so much of what i was thinking was stressful.

i don't have to 'do' anything with the moment. i don't have to prove anything to anyone.

not even myself.

and i guess that's self-forgiveness. I guess that's self-love. I want this place to be all about self-love and appreciation and growth, but without the self-improvement-project emphasis that I have been continually putting on myself.

this will take work, time, energy. but I have to do it, for my sanity and my life.

because right now i'm not really living...it's like jairus said about 'internal sex' - the inner fire...gotta get it back, gotta start living.

the next morning

So I woke up this morning and, same as ever, I'm tired and my brain immediately starts(/continues from sleep?) to go over life - trying to analyze and decide on things that i've left forgotten, thinking about what to eat and knowing I can't figure anything out, and just generally leaving me feeling like a sack of shit while i still can barely open my eyes. It's so much about what's wrong with me all the time...how everything's a mess and i don't know what to do.

and because of that, I go on facebook hoping some piece of connection will make me feel better but of course it's all other people's shit...nothing for me....which makes me feel even more like a loser.

lame.

This is definitely something I'd like to change. Mornings have always been so near and dear to my heart. This morning I even had a semi-plan to have a bath...but then I was afraid of relaxing too much and falling asleep...I have no food for breakfast. that really bothers me.

and I don't know what to do about plans on sunday, or for this dinner date invitation...decisions are hard for me when i'm sleepy.

So i went to work, and shit happened that made me reel inside so I made it public by talking about it with a friend in front of other people. stupid move. shouldn't have done that. shouldn't have reacted so much so badly ugh. just spent the past half hour on the phone talking about it and now i'm just amazed that i can't seem to handle anything - do i not enjoy being happy? am i tired?

why can't i seem to let it go...and why, after looking at facebook, do i seem to have let it go...?

need to work on work relations...wanda, ashley. my assumptions that they don't like me make everything nutsy.

other things/goals/focuses:

do what feels good...choose what is....focus on the positive, what you've got and not what you haven't got, what you want and what you love/makes you excited...

doing what works

this is it!

Right - so, things have been changing in my life recently and it feels good!

I want to continue the trend, get myself out there and give some thought to what makes me tick :)

what are my better qualities? what can i rely on in hard times?

I guess the notion that even though I am not perfect, that there is something worthy in me feels surprising. The depth of understanding that I can put my mind to something and make it happen - maybe even something that I've always wanted - well, it's exciting!

so this blog will be about my journey onwards and upwards, downwards and sideways into an unknown future of trying to be my own best friend

here goes

first thing - what to do right now? my place is a mess, and needs a good clean up. when I went to do it before, i was hounded by the misery of "how could you let it get like this, you disgusting pig...you mustn't care about yourself" and "i've let it all pile up." guilt. ugh. so i decided not to do it at all, just look for the positives in it somehow...the reason it's there is because I've had a great weekend of fun with friends, pulled an all-nighter with a lovely man, and neglected some basic housekeeping. no big deal! what would you prioritize? On another level, how is it beautiful? or, what is my positive role in this? Instead of looking at the mess and saying tidy this up bitch, can i look at myself as a caretaker? There's a counter under there holding it all up, just waiting to be found...or rather, what's in it for me? If I want to tidy up, why do i? without the stress, without the shoulds, do I want to do dishes? no. it's hot and the only reason I want to is to have a tidy kitchen. why do you want a tidy kitchen? so people feel welcome and food can be prepared easily. can i give it my best, joyfully? let's see

ok - results....unexpected surprises (rotten banana!), sentimental feelings...i get sentimental about the most tiny things - a teabag (lovely), an old cranberry in the bottom of a bag(holiday with dad),

perhaps my caring for things has been repressed to some extent by my need to always be 'ok',

alone, unattached...ugh.

I think the house thing will be a big part of my upcoming discoveries - letting go of things, emotional freedom...focusing on my self-discovery, my goals...because I don't like things cluttered dark and smelly. at all.