So I came home and was a bag of nerves. I called karen back and talked about offing myself, as a joke but it was how low i was feeling too. I ran a bath and sat in it on the phone, and started to talk of how this place holds so much oppression in my mind, for me. tense. overbearing. but when i talked about what i wanted - a safehaven for myself to thrive and discover myself, follow my joy, i got into the moment and was enjoying myself more...
i realised how stressed i was and how much i was keeping a striving, achievement-mind. I tried to relax and got angry at myself because so much of what i was thinking was stressful.
i don't have to 'do' anything with the moment. i don't have to prove anything to anyone.
not even myself.
and i guess that's self-forgiveness. I guess that's self-love. I want this place to be all about self-love and appreciation and growth, but without the self-improvement-project emphasis that I have been continually putting on myself.
this will take work, time, energy. but I have to do it, for my sanity and my life.
because right now i'm not really living...it's like jairus said about 'internal sex' - the inner fire...gotta get it back, gotta start living.
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