Dad's visiting from England, and having recently begun a new relationship with Patrick I am aware of my 'issues' in a more succinct, fixable(?) way....

-I have trouble trusting other people enough to allow them control

-I assume people don't really care about me in a natural, complete way and that they are consequently 'selfish'

- I don't believe in my own abilities and allow my self-consciousness/fear to control my levels of effort and immersion into something - i stay removed and uninterested most of the time, when it's much more fun to try hard :)

- i have built in, hardwired, shame about leaving my father and being a 'wrong' person/disowned by god, always having to worry about being alone and having people like me because I am unlovable/unknowable?? something

So, when dad arrived on the plane I made a point of bringing the issue of my guilt and asking god to help me deal with it this holiday. I do not want to have this hanging over my head my whole life. i do not want to have this illusion control me. I made choices as a 13 year old girl to stay with my mother...probably with good reason. what reasons? not sure. needs investigating.

bottom line now is that he's here and it's hard - he's critical and negative and controlling. ugh. but that's just me now, scared of him for the first few days - trying to impress him and hide. it's got to come out soon....

So scared I'm going to snap at him - so many little things left unsaid...ugh.