the next morning

So I woke up this morning and, same as ever, I'm tired and my brain immediately starts(/continues from sleep?) to go over life - trying to analyze and decide on things that i've left forgotten, thinking about what to eat and knowing I can't figure anything out, and just generally leaving me feeling like a sack of shit while i still can barely open my eyes. It's so much about what's wrong with me all the time...how everything's a mess and i don't know what to do.

and because of that, I go on facebook hoping some piece of connection will make me feel better but of course it's all other people's shit...nothing for me....which makes me feel even more like a loser.

lame.

This is definitely something I'd like to change. Mornings have always been so near and dear to my heart. This morning I even had a semi-plan to have a bath...but then I was afraid of relaxing too much and falling asleep...I have no food for breakfast. that really bothers me.

and I don't know what to do about plans on sunday, or for this dinner date invitation...decisions are hard for me when i'm sleepy.

So i went to work, and shit happened that made me reel inside so I made it public by talking about it with a friend in front of other people. stupid move. shouldn't have done that. shouldn't have reacted so much so badly ugh. just spent the past half hour on the phone talking about it and now i'm just amazed that i can't seem to handle anything - do i not enjoy being happy? am i tired?

why can't i seem to let it go...and why, after looking at facebook, do i seem to have let it go...?

need to work on work relations...wanda, ashley. my assumptions that they don't like me make everything nutsy.

other things/goals/focuses:

do what feels good...choose what is....focus on the positive, what you've got and not what you haven't got, what you want and what you love/makes you excited...

doing what works

this is it!

Right - so, things have been changing in my life recently and it feels good!

I want to continue the trend, get myself out there and give some thought to what makes me tick :)

what are my better qualities? what can i rely on in hard times?

I guess the notion that even though I am not perfect, that there is something worthy in me feels surprising. The depth of understanding that I can put my mind to something and make it happen - maybe even something that I've always wanted - well, it's exciting!

so this blog will be about my journey onwards and upwards, downwards and sideways into an unknown future of trying to be my own best friend

here goes

first thing - what to do right now? my place is a mess, and needs a good clean up. when I went to do it before, i was hounded by the misery of "how could you let it get like this, you disgusting pig...you mustn't care about yourself" and "i've let it all pile up." guilt. ugh. so i decided not to do it at all, just look for the positives in it somehow...the reason it's there is because I've had a great weekend of fun with friends, pulled an all-nighter with a lovely man, and neglected some basic housekeeping. no big deal! what would you prioritize? On another level, how is it beautiful? or, what is my positive role in this? Instead of looking at the mess and saying tidy this up bitch, can i look at myself as a caretaker? There's a counter under there holding it all up, just waiting to be found...or rather, what's in it for me? If I want to tidy up, why do i? without the stress, without the shoulds, do I want to do dishes? no. it's hot and the only reason I want to is to have a tidy kitchen. why do you want a tidy kitchen? so people feel welcome and food can be prepared easily. can i give it my best, joyfully? let's see

ok - results....unexpected surprises (rotten banana!), sentimental feelings...i get sentimental about the most tiny things - a teabag (lovely), an old cranberry in the bottom of a bag(holiday with dad),

perhaps my caring for things has been repressed to some extent by my need to always be 'ok',

alone, unattached...ugh.

I think the house thing will be a big part of my upcoming discoveries - letting go of things, emotional freedom...focusing on my self-discovery, my goals...because I don't like things cluttered dark and smelly. at all.